I passed!!!!!

I recently got my results back from a teaching exam I took and I am so excited to say I passed!!!! I passed!!!!! I passed!!!!!
I still have a couple of more to take, but I am so excited about this.

it's too hard to be in a relationship

I am having such a difficult time in my current relationship. Yes, I know the man loves me, appreciates me and accepts me. He is good with my boys.
But, for me, that is not enough.
He is always talking about us getting married. Notice, I said "talking" about it. I don't have a ring, so for me nothing is official and in essence, not real yet.
Anyway, he is always talking about us getting married and that bothers me.
For me, there are so many things that bothers me about him, but a couple of my girlfriends say they are minor, in their opinions.
But they also say that it is up to me to decide what I can live with and what I can't.
1. He loves to rent movies. I don't want to sit at anyone's home and watch a movie. I want to go to the movies.
2. He is very close to his mother and his sisters,and his entire family for that matter. That is a very, very good thing. But sometimes he seems to make more of an effort for him than he ever would for me. That bothers the crap out of me. I don't want to go into details here, which kind of explains a previous post about me wishing I was more open. I guess in some way this is my feeble attempt at being more open, especially with myself. He is always telling me things like, "baby, I've been worried about you." or "Baby, I've been thinking about you and praying for you." But I don't see any efforts with those worries, thoughts or prayers. To me, they are just words. I want effort.
3. He tries to avoid conflict at any cost. If he knows I am upset, he will try to avoid me, hoping that I will forget about what ever it was or that it will just blow over. It doesn't!!! In fact, I get even more heated up about that.
4. If I ask him to do something, he quickly does it without so much as a pause. But the thing is I don't want to "have to" ask.
5. I seem to be making more of an effort right now than he does. I could list 20 more things (and believe me I have made that list) but it all boils down to me making more of an effort than he is right now. I hate that. That frustrates me. I'm losing respect for me. I hate it.
My girlfriends say he is a good guy and they are right. He's handsome, loving, makes me laughs, he loves spending time with me and my boys, is helpful around the home and makes me feels as if I were better looking than Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, Tyra Banks or who ever. And honey, that's not easy to do. I'm a big woman, a really, really big woman. I'm a cute woman, too, but nevertheless, I am still a large woman. So I appreciate him.
Regardless of my size, I still think I deserve and am worthy of God's best for me. And nine months into this relationship, I am still wondering if he is it? Am I settling? Can I do better? Why am I so frustrated by this man? As I said, he is always talking about getting married next year and about saving for our home. But some part of me wonders if that all that it is.... just talk.

I wish I had the confidence to be more open

I have a friend who is going through a really tough battle right now, and she seems to be doing it with such an open and upbeat spirit.
What I am amazed about is how open she has been on her blog about her life. She has placed so many things that I would consider very personal on her blog.
I admire that because I can't.
Not only do I limit what I say on my blog, I limit what I say in my life, on the job and in relationships. I fear that people would judge me if I were to share the "true" version of me. The thing is that I think I am only fooling myself. Everyone around me probably knows the real me; they are just kind enough not to let me know that they know.
Anyway, I don't know if anyone reads my blog anymore, but in case I still do have friends out there who are, please keep my friend in your prayers. She is a young wife and mother of a one-year-old who recently learned that she was expecting a second child. She also recently learned that she has some kind of growth that could be cancerous.
Please lift Lemmondrop up in our prayers.

finally a computer at home.

I am adding this entry from my new laptop that is sitting on a desk in my home. I am so excited. Hopefully now I can update this more often.

Welcome back to the cyber world.
Yeah.

Happy Anniversary Levoara's child.

I started blogging a year ago this month.
This blog is now where near the reasons I started it, but I did it - off and on - for 12 months.
For that, I want to celebrate.
So happy anniversary Levora's child.

When "We" means more than my son and me.

I will admit that I am having so much trouble with the idea of being in a relationship. I don't know how to do it. It's strange to me to think of myself as a couple. I freak out at the idea of being viewed as "a you two" or "a we."
When I became a mom I was so happy. I loved the idea of doing things with my son, showing him off to the world and saying things like, "excuse us" and we strolled through the grocery or big box stores. I had prayed and planned for that "we" for so long, that I was excited to let the world know about that.
To be honest, I have prayed about being in this part of a "we" too. But for some odd reason, I feel resentful along with being happy. I value my independence, yet, I find myself being resentful of little things.
A couple of weeks ago, I picked Dion up from the day care and then went to a friends house, who later suggested that we go out to dinner. We did and had a great time. Will has called me every night, so I knew he would call. I turned my cell phone off just in case, though, and I purposely chose not to call him.
There was a part of me that resented my feeling of wanting to call him to let him know where we were. "I'm a grown woman," I thought. "I can go and do what ever I want to do. I don't need to let him know where I am."
After dinner, I drove around Greensboro a little longer and did not get home until 11:30 p.m.
The next day, I made sure to eat out and then go to Bible Study before Dion and I headed home for the evening about 8:30 p.m. He had been going to Bible Study with me, but I left him on purpose.
Why am I doing this? Why was I avoiding him?
Sure enough, he said he had been trying to get in touch with me. I had expected a confrontation, but instead he wanted to know if everything was okay. He wanted to know if we needed to talk.
Let's be honest, I like him.
But do I like him enough to give up some of my independence? Is my life so great now that I am willing to mess things up to hold on to what I have?
No.
There are things that I would love to change about him, no doubt, but this guy loves, respects and honors the daylights out of me. He treats Dion well. He has shared how serious he is about me and that scares the daylights out of me.
I don't know if I want that and I don't know if I want that from him.
One of my girlfriends said I am scared and I'm trying to destroy stuff on purpose.
That's true.
I know how to exists as a single person and a single mother. I don't know how to do it as a couple, as a "We."

Any suggestions?

Two months and four days....

That's how long it has been since I have logged on to tell the world what has been going on in my life.
It's been a lot, honey, let me assure you of that... and nothing at all.

On the positive side, I joined a gym, started on a new weight loss journey, spent two weeks with my mother in Illinois and am dating a wonderful man who makes me feel so wonderful about who I am. I'm giddy with excitment.
I'm also exploring new job opportunities, which is exciting.
Right now, as I type this, my life if looking good and I'm excited about that.

On the negative side.... well, shoot... if I think about it, it wasn't that negative after all. So, I won't go into here.

I'm just excited about all that lies ahead for Dion and I right now.

Woo-Hoo!!!!

Happy Birthday Emilie!!!

For some reason, I started thinking this past weekend about a birthday party that JoAnn threw for you back in our Delta Democrat days - the year that you turned .... um..... 29 plus 1.
There were so many people there. Who knew you could have a fancy-smancy and more importantly, a happy birthday gathering in the Mississippi Delta?
That was our last major event together because a month later you were headed to Minnesota - a state where you life has done nothing but soar.
I remember you saying that you NEEDED to be pregnant by no later than April to have a baby before your next birthday. LOL....
Our lives have taken different paths, but we have maintained contact, although it's via a computer mostly.
I'm happy that you are happy. I happy that Stephen is the perfect husband for you and father for Daniel. I'm happy that you have Daniel.

And Lord knows I'm happy that we are both away from the Delta. I knew the place was depressing, but I just didn't what kind of effect it had on me or was having on me until I left it. I still get moments of depression, but nothing like those.
Thank God we each have new addresses and new lives.

I hope today is the start of even better and greater chapters in the Book of Emilie, volumn 30 something.

(Pssst. I know our age, but telling it would be like telling the world my age and I'm not about to do that.)

Happy Birthday, girl.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

According to the Bible, seven is a year of renewal - a chance to start over.
With that in mind, I am so excited about what lies ahead for me and my family in 2007.
Here is hoping that all of your dreams, desires, hopes, wishes and goals are fulfilled this year.