When "We" means more than my son and me.
I will admit that I am having so much trouble with the idea of being in a relationship. I don't know how to do it. It's strange to me to think of myself as a couple. I freak out at the idea of being viewed as "a you two" or "a we."
When I became a mom I was so happy. I loved the idea of doing things with my son, showing him off to the world and saying things like, "excuse us" and we strolled through the grocery or big box stores. I had prayed and planned for that "we" for so long, that I was excited to let the world know about that.
To be honest, I have prayed about being in this part of a "we" too. But for some odd reason, I feel resentful along with being happy. I value my independence, yet, I find myself being resentful of little things.
A couple of weeks ago, I picked Dion up from the day care and then went to a friends house, who later suggested that we go out to dinner. We did and had a great time. Will has called me every night, so I knew he would call. I turned my cell phone off just in case, though, and I purposely chose not to call him.
There was a part of me that resented my feeling of wanting to call him to let him know where we were. "I'm a grown woman," I thought. "I can go and do what ever I want to do. I don't need to let him know where I am."
After dinner, I drove around Greensboro a little longer and did not get home until 11:30 p.m.
The next day, I made sure to eat out and then go to Bible Study before Dion and I headed home for the evening about 8:30 p.m. He had been going to Bible Study with me, but I left him on purpose.
Why am I doing this? Why was I avoiding him?
Sure enough, he said he had been trying to get in touch with me. I had expected a confrontation, but instead he wanted to know if everything was okay. He wanted to know if we needed to talk.
Let's be honest, I like him.
But do I like him enough to give up some of my independence? Is my life so great now that I am willing to mess things up to hold on to what I have?
No.
There are things that I would love to change about him, no doubt, but this guy loves, respects and honors the daylights out of me. He treats Dion well. He has shared how serious he is about me and that scares the daylights out of me.
I don't know if I want that and I don't know if I want that from him.
One of my girlfriends said I am scared and I'm trying to destroy stuff on purpose.
That's true.
I know how to exists as a single person and a single mother. I don't know how to do it as a couple, as a "We."
Any suggestions?
Labels: relationships
posted by Cynthia @ 1:53 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Ah, Freedom. I will come back and write some of my thoughts on this, C., but right now /i have an extremely squirmy boy in my arms and am typing with 1 hand. Just ... take deep breaths. :)
Cynthia, I'm back. I've been thinking about your predicament for a while, and I don't know if I have any solid advice ... and it's been a few weeks since you posted this, so maybe you've worked through this by now.
It's interesting that you seem to feel less "tied down" (for lack of a better phrase) with a child than with an adult partner — when for me, it would feel like the other way around. I sure feel a lot more limited in my freedom as a mother than I do as a wife. Do you feel less resentment being responsible for a child because, with Dion, you're in charge, you're calling the shots? And with The Man, you're not? You are part of a duo where each person is called to be responsible to the other?
Why do you suppose you resented the idea of calling The Man to let him know where you were? Instead of viewing that as some kind of tiresome obligation that limits your freedom, you could choose to view it as an opportunity to put his mind at rest, and therefore something nice you do for him - because you want to, not because you have to.
I struggled for a time before Steve and I were married with my fears of losing my independence, but, you know, those fears turned out to be totally unfounded. I am lucky because there ARE men out there who would try to hold me down. I don't get the sense from you that your guy is that type of guy.
You know, if you're worried about it, you could talk to him. Have you shared some of your feelings with him about your fears of losing your independence, or of being accountable to another person (besides Dion)? Maybe you could decide together when you think you should let each other know where you are (just an example) and when you can have free nights where you don't have to check in. It could go both ways.
Anyway, I don't know why you'd be avoiding him, but I certainly understand your fear that you might be sabotaging your relationship. Maybe it's behind you know, and you've worked through some of it - if so, please post an update!
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